Kellie

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Mon, 07 Apr 2003 15:25:20 GMT

The other night, my dead grandmother came to visit me in a dream.

Don't laugh, she did.

I was raised by my grandparents, and next month will be 6 years that she's been dead. I never really got closure, cause I didn't get to say goodbye. I was a really bad child at that point in my life, and I've never quite forgiven myself for it, or anyone else involved.

The other night, she told me that it was ok, and she forgave me and she loves me. I know this was not a memory type dream, cause I was talking about stuff that had happened after she died. Since I've woken up from that dream, I've felt a peace about the whole situation that I've never felt before. It's freaked me out, but I guess it's freaky in a good way. I went to sleep last night, hoping to see her again, with no luck. Oh well, I s'pose I can just be happy that I feel better, hm,?

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Mon, 07 Apr 2003 00:16:12 GMT

I work too hard in my daily life to deal with bullshit. I bust my ass in front of this computer, usually doing 12-18 hour days, and I don't complain all too much. However, when a hobby makes me feel like nothing, it is no longer a hobby. Then it is a chore. I refuse to have my hobby become a chore, so I chose to get rid of a character that I really liked and keep playing the one I hadn't worked so hard at developing. Damn, I loved that spanish moon screen name as well.

Who says I have to change it? I can just start playing Alison from over there, and delete the "killer inside me" screen name. Good call, Kell. You're so smart?

So, I refuse to be belittled by a 17 year old that has nothing better to do.

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Mon, 07 Apr 2003 00:15:46 GMT

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Mon, 07 Apr 2003 00:14:55 GMT

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Tue, 25 Mar 2003 07:11:59 GMT

Could it be that I have nothing interesting to say anymore? I have four journals - three for each of my split personalities at work, and this one, and I've hardly updated any of them. So, here's the rundown.

We're moving to TN in May. I can't wait, cause it will make me closer to dad and family. John is moving away from his parents for the first time, so this is a real big thing.

I am very pro war, for reasons I will discuss soon enough.

John and I are good, except I'm lacking in the orgasm department. Oh, he's getting his, but I'm .. well, lacking. I was reading in some catholic paper somewhere that women who don't have sex until marriage have better sex lives. I mused, thinking that this might be because they don't know any better. I mean, it's not that the sex is bad, it's... well, there's room for improvement. :grin: I mean, today he was just real selfish which left me in a hard spot. Or without one, per se.

Went to see BTE a couple sundays ago. #11 for me, and whoa were they good. I love them so much.

the whole confirmation thing is coming to a close, and I can not wait. Freakin it's like studying for college just to become Catholic. That better be one good tasting piece of bread, that's all I've gotta say.

ok, I'm tired, will rant more when I can. :*

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Mon, 24 Mar 2003 01:17:20 GMT

You Are A Redhead!

Fun, innocent and flirty, guys are drawn to your firey ways.

Your fun personality drives the men wild, and they just can't enough of you!

With that girl-next-door charm and those bright eyes, you can get what you want in a snap...

Keep them beggin' honey!!

What's *Your* Inner Hair Color?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Thu, 12 Dec 2002 20:30:23 GMT

. . . and I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
well the landslide brought me down . . .

I've been called a hypocrite. Hmm. This is coming from someone that denounces premarital sex and swears it's a mortal sin - but yet that same person slept with me a year and a half ago. Go figure. On to brighter subjects

Business going okay, even though i'm committing a highly immoral act and more than likely going to hell for all eternity for it (unless I confess on saturday). and John's doing fine. Christmas is almost here and save the gift cert that daddy is mailing for alex, the shopping is done - oh and I have to get john's presents. But yeah. :p

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Mon, 23 Sep 2002 01:36:30 GMT

which american idol star are you?
made by - gummiworms

She even looks glittery like me. =)

I have sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Sat, 14 Sep 2002 03:37:53 GMT

I figured I would update my journal today.

Tom And I got into a religious debate today, which ended with John taking over. Of course, you know that isn't good. ::Sighs::

the yearning to be near you,
i do what i have to do

I'm working tonight. Will probably leave the phones on overnight. I need my sleep, but who czares right? It's a quick buck. Go freaks :)

Got asked to Georgia with some friends. I probably would have, but I'm looking to move the first part of oct ... I wanna move into those apartments. Yay us.

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Wed, 11 Sep 2002 22:28:25 GMT

You are an angel.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Sun, 08 Sep 2002 01:59:21 GMT

Support us!

Kevin, pleeeease don't cut your hair!!

You'd think I'd be at the point where things wouldn't get to me. I've just had a shit eating day (why do I only update when I have poopy days?) and I just shouldn't be around people. I think even Dave got sick of me today, lol, and decided to take a break from the Mikuro/Serenity saga. Maybe that is why Sere never keeps husbands. Maybe I annoy the fuck out of the guys, so they just . . run.

Or maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself and I should remember that this is just a game.

Speaking of the game, funny things happened. Katrina and Alex are getting back together. She will be a Darkholme again. Heh. Blah. Gonna go play.

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Tue, 03 Sep 2002 23:44:08 GMT

</font>

Take the What Sex Position Are You? test by Ley Ley

VERY appropriate.

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Thu, 08 Aug 2002 02:12:47 GMT

Hmm.

It's official, I am having issues.

Which well-known OCS character are you?

this quiz was made by scott

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Sat, 03 Aug 2002 03:03:50 GMT

If only I could breathe you in
If only I could breathe you in
If only I could breathe you in
Every drop of you

:: sigh :: This is tiring. The heat is nasty. And exactly one week till we leave! I'm soooo excited. Yay. John is good, and I am good.
Excited.

<3KB

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Fri, 02 Aug 2002 02:07:24 GMT

Well, there's a feeling in the air just like a Friday afternoon.
Yeah, you can go there if you want though it fades too soon.
So go on, let it be. if there's a feeling coming over me,
Seems like it's always understood this time of year.

Jesus. All it's been lately is sickness and depression. And the only thing good is that John and I are going away next weekend, and we will have five days to ourself. Then i am getting on a plane and leaving him for almost a week. That will be scary. The first time we've been separated like that.

I mean, I spent two nights without him at the hospital, but he still got to see me during the day. This time I will be without him at all. And that is scary. I wonder what he'll do. Worried about that? A bit. ::sighs:: I don't know ... Now that all the anger and frustration is out about Robin, and I got to meet her, I feel a lot better. Relationship is stable, and I don't think I have a reason to worry. I should go have fun in the sun and learn lots. :)

Positive, happy thoughts.

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Fri, 26 Jul 2002 23:51:09 GMT

Mmm.

I have been in the hospital four times in the past twenty days. Not good. It seems that my body has decided to rebel, and that is bad.

Warning, this might get gross. Deal.

I have been bleeding (down there) nonstop since July 7. This was after having a normal period from jul 1-5. I'm in so much pain, that only Lortabs will calm it. That, or codeine. Or morphine. Either way. . . drugs.

Nobody can figure out what's wrong. But I have to have a biopsy done of my uterus, and then maybe get a DNC. I'm not pregnant, there's no chance I can be (sicne John can't have kids). But yet something's wrong. I can't work, I can't sleep well, I'm nauseaous all the time so eating is hard, and I'mlosing so much blood that I have to keep liquids and foods like granola and such down. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

John's been great throughout all of this. He'd been a prick off and on, but I'm glad that when I really need him, he's there for me. That's why I love him. ::happysighofreliefonthatnote::

Now if only my body would cooperate.

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Fri, 05 Jul 2002 02:19:11 GMT

Warning: this entry will contain lots of swearing and ... well, bad stuff.

When does concern turn into obsession?

I am so goddamned sick and tired of worrying. And it's all James' fault. It's all his bloody fault because he decided to treat me like shit three years ago and totally turn me into a worrier.

Fuck James. Fuck everyone in my life that has totally treated me like shit.

I'm worth more than that.

It's putting a cramp in mine and John's relationship. It's making me feel like I have to do something like kill myself to get any attention. I almost did.

It's a good thing that the drive home from Geneva takes an hour. Cause I was going to stop by the liquor store, get a six pack of Smirnoff Ice, and a bottle of pills, and down them all together and hope I was dead when he got home. I can't remember when the last time I felt so low.. Yes I can. My birthday, last year.I remember, I wanted to die then.

What I want, is for him to stop taking me for motherfucking granted.

What I want is to feel like I am the most important person in his life.

What I want is to not be put in the same catagory as some girl he used to like.

what I want is to matter. :-(

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Sat, 22 Jun 2002 01:54:01 GMT

odd moment for me today.

I went to the gas station to get gas, and this guy was getting it right next to me. He went in and bought a rose/teddy bear, and brought it out ot me, telling me he had to give it to me cause I was so beautiful.

I'm not beautiful. But.. it was a nice gesture, and it made me feel good.

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Fri, 21 Jun 2002 17:18:53 GMT

I'm lyin' here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun

I can't stay on your life support
There's a shortage in the switch
I can't stay on your morphine
It's making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again
But she's being a little bitch
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better
You keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill

I haven't moved from the spot where you left me
This must be a bad trip
All of the other pills, they were different
Maybe I should get some help

I can't stay on your life support
There's a shortage in the switch
I can't stay on your morphine
Cause its making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again
But she's being a little bitch
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better
You keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better
You keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill

I can't stay on your life support
There's a shortage in the switch
I can't stay on your morphine
'Cause its making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again
But she's being a little bitch
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better
You keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Sun, 16 Jun 2002 02:44:22 GMT

Which Kiss Are You?

You're LUST! Sex, sex, sex! It's all you think about! You're not opposed to having more than one boy/girlfriend, and you're very flirtatious. You're represented by the color blue.

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Sun, 16 Jun 2002 02:25:42 GMT

Find your emotion!

Thanks Tom.

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Sat, 15 Jun 2002 18:58:04 GMT

My grandfather is in the hospital. God, sometimes I hate being nine hundred miles away from my family. My significant other is downloading porn off the net. My life is falling apart, and all it took was a day. (what a difference a day makes, I guess).

We've been fighting a lot more than usual (maybe it's the heat, maybe it's the fact that he's getting tired of me, or .. maybe it's the problems we have going on).

I want to go home to make sure my grandfather's ok, even though I know I can't. I fucking miss my family so much. God I never thought I'd say that. I remember one time when I couldn't wait to get away from them. :o(

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Fri, 14 Jun 2002 23:06:09 GMT

:: how jedi are you? ::

I've been meaning to post, really I have...

It's just .. blah. Everything's been blah lately. THought I had a raise at work.. but it turns out that my boss has to turn in this paper, and see if it gets 'approved'. Meanwhile I bust my ass doing twice the work. It's not fair. But that's life.

I've become paranoid and suspicious about everything that John does. It's like we're at this point in our life now, that my self-defenses are at an all time high. I hope he can bear with me long enough that it will get out of my system.

And... for those of you that read this, I love you all. :) Comments make me feel better, like I'm not alone. And I feel alone.

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Mon, 10 Jun 2002 14:32:32 GMT

Today has already started out crappy.

John won't wake up, and I have to go to work soon. I"m tired, I'm cranky, and I'm starving for affection today. God, I need a drink.

aspanishmoon@aol.com — Fri, 31 May 2002 20:13:10 GMT

Vacation was wonderful. Everything that I'd ever dreamed of a vacation being. And I got my ring, which of course makes me excited.

Life is okay right now. I got a raise and hours bumped up, so that's good. John's being normal, and everything is wonderful. Ta-ta!